As much as I talk now you would never think I was so quiet and timid when I was younger. Have you ever gotten tired of hearing your own self talk? Well I have. I guess I had all those years of built up words I never used and conversations I never had when I was younger, that I just overtalk...sometimes. If you know me well, you know when I get on a roll, I don't ever shut up and if I do...BE WORRIED.
SHE SPEAKS!! (Gasp)
My social anxiety was at an all time high in my younger days. I struggled with making friends because of it. Many people don't want to be friends with a kid who just stares back at you when you are talking and never responds. One time a kid in my elementary class yelled out "she speaks" after I said one word after not saying much up until about the 5th grade 😑 I am going to be honest it wasn't until a few years ago that I stopped doing that. Why yes, I was a grown ass adult staring at people blankly. I'm still shy at times now, especially when I first meet someone. Also, still to this day, I struggle with making eye contact with people when I am talking about something serious. It's hard for me to have a fully serious conversation with someone unless I am really close to them or I trust them with the conversation. I'm not someone who just goes "running off with the mouth" (as my grandma would say) with just anyone and telling all my little business. We all know someone like that, am I right? No?...Is this thing on? Ok moving on lol 😂
So you want to know what helped me with my social anxiety...BINGO...becoming a therapist. I knew I was good at listening but realized quickly I had to talk to my clients. HOLD UP, WHAT DID I JUST SIGN UP FOR? SIS, IT'S TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW!
THE JOKING THERAPIST
Once I started working with my clients I knew I had to make up for my lack of communication skills so I would "joke" a lot in my sessions to make them feel comfortable and honestly to make myself more comfortable. So it was born, the "Joking Therapist." I found a way to keep my clients interested even when they did not want therapy. I found my niche and I actually found it quite fulfilling at times. I started using this tactic in my everyday life. If you have ever had a conversation with me you know at least one sarcastic joke is going to come out every 5 minutes. I made people laugh and I enjoyed it. I actually started making friends because of this. "They like me they really like me!" Now, my humor can throw people for a loop sometimes because they don't know if I am serious or not because I don't smile when I say my sarcastic comments (it adds a little mystery to the conversation). Although, once you get to know me you understand not to take it or me so seriously, 95% of the time I'm joking.
I JUST WANT A REGULAR BLACK COFFEE
I never said I was cured of social anxiety so sometimes it rears its ugly head in the most random places. I struggle with ordering food from select restaurants or ordering coffee at Starbucks. If I don't quite understand a menu I will avoid that establishment. It's so bad that I rather order off the app while inside of Starbucks instead of going to the counter to order. Let's not act like that Starbucks' drink menu isn't a little difficult...how is a cup considered a Tall, it's only like 2 oz, that's short to me! STOP MISLABELING CUP SIZES STARBUCKS!! WHEW, RANT OVER. There was this one time a friend and I went to Starbucks inside of the airport. I started holding the line up because I just didn't understand how to order regular black coffee with a hint of sweetness. You already know how Starbucks customers are about their coffee... After standing there for a while and receiving a boat load of stares that felt like daggers in the back of my head from customers and the staff, my friend ordered for me. The barista didn't even ask me my name because she was so frustrated with me! When I got on the plane I looked at my cup and instead of my name it said my friend's name with the word "friend" beside it. LISTEN...SHE WAS FED UP WITH MY FOOLISHNESS! I couldn't do anything but laugh.
MASK OFF
Over the years, joking has got me through a lot of difficult times, mood swings, depression and fear. I started to develop this as a coping skill instead of getting upset over EVERYTHING and triggering my symptoms. From the day I met my husband he has always been very quick on his feet and witty. I had to keep up with him in the joke department. We legit have had unofficial quick fire rounds of who could come up with the next witty thing to say. It's a competition in this household and our future kids better be prepared straight out the womb because it on and poppin'.
BUUUUTTTT here is the downside about all of this joking, I never addressed my real feelings. I often feel like people don't want to hear your sad sorrows, they want you to make them happy and laugh. Many times I have felt my absolute worst and had to put on a "front" to make others comfortable. There were so many days I wanted to tell people that I wasn't feeling good and I wanted to be in my feelings but people started to expect me to be their personal entertainer, DAILY. I am not on anyone's payroll as an entertainer and for once can someone make me laugh and feel better?! Of course the type of person I grew to be, I am a people pleaser/overachiever (yes shocker) but because of this I would have to push through my real emotions and "entertain and put on a show." When things are expected of you, people don't quite understand you may have an off day. I have had people come up to me and tell me because of my personality I have made them feel much better. If I have been that for you, I am honored, and for that reason I push through. Sometimes faking happiness helps put me in a better mood but goodness it is so EXHAUSTING. So there are upsides and downsides of this kind of personality but I am still working out the kinks. In the last post, I talked about communicating my feelings and not assuming everyone understands what you are going through. Since I joke around a lot, people are confused when I tell them what's really going on. Honestly many people do not even know I am diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety because I don't "look and act" like it but behind closed doors I may be mentally crumbling inside.
Mental illness comes in different shapes and sizes, looks different on everyone and no one is exempt. I won't change my personality but I will be more mindful of my actual feelings and most importantly make certain I am pushing through for myself and not overdoing it for everyone else's entertainment. It's okay to let people know you are having an off day. You never know maybe you can finally sit back and become an audience member of someone else's show.
Have you ever had to mask your feelings with happiness? If so, do you think it helps increase your mood or do you become physically and mentally exhausted? What are some ways you have tried to cover up your actual feelings? Have you had to be strong for other people while you were not at your best? Are YOU the strong friend that needs to be checked on? Join me on Thursdays as I continue to talk about the hard topics we love to avoid.
The Broken Therapist 💗💞
