WHO CRIES AT THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH...ME BRUH! The Backstory of The Broken Therapist

WELL WELL WELL….you made it!! Welcome to my blog, wipe your feet and take a load off.  I will be sharing stories on my struggles with my diagnosis of the good ol’ depression and anxiety. I also want to include some methods I have used to keep symptoms at bay. Most in which I have failed at but dangit I’m going to share them anyway (they just might work for you). Hmm…where do I start? Hell I will just start.

I noticed from a young age I was having some struggles with extreme sadness.  I was the saddest moodiest child I have ever known. I cried about everything and I mean EVERYTHING.  I cried when I went to Disney. Who cries at the happiest place on earth??!!! ME BRUH! But let me be honest, those costumed characters were a little scary, let's argue.  No seriously who was inside of those things.  If I can't see your eyes, I can't trust you.  I was well beyond my years. Anywho…My family would always joke about how afraid I was of everything and how moody I could be.  Eventually I got used to the jokes but deep down inside I knew something wasn’t ticking right. You see I am the only child so I really didn’t grow up around kids, only older adults (mostly my grandma). My mom sheltered me a lot because she didn’t trust that anyone would comb my hair correctly...excuse me MA'AM?!  I mean she did put me in dance classes from the ages of 3-17 so I would be social, so she tried.

I never knew how to express myself because to be quite honest feelings weren’t discussed in my family. FEELINGS?! WHAT ARE THOSEEEEE!!!  I wasn’t hugged a lot or told I was loved often growing up; I mean I was by my grandma but my parents were not affectionate people. This is definitely not any shade towards my parents but let’s be honest they were stone cold with their emotions. I love them to death and know they loved me but they just didn’t know how to express their own feelings (you teach what you know). They are much better now in my adult age since I brought it to their attention but I will discuss that at a later date.

It was becoming a cycle. When I would cry I was told to “suck it up" and that I was "sensitive." So any time I would cry it wasn’t always because I was sad or hurt. I cried mostly because I was afraid to express my feelings or say what I really wanted to without making others mad (I have a sharp tongue).  When I would cry, I would become even more angry because I was so damn mad at myself for crying which made me cry even more…ugh life at 6 was sooooo hard. Through the years I would try to combat my own fears and "suck it up" but I was making matters worse. 

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

I was bullied in the 3^rd grade and that sat with me for a while.  Heck to this day I think it still affects me deep down. I mean I wasn’t physically assaulted but verbally. I was the new kid because my mom changed my school right when I was getting comfortable at my old school.  I was already a socially awkward kid who played board games by herself and had imaginary friends so this was going to be a social disaster. SMH. I hid in the bathroom for what felt like the majority of the 3^rd grade but the bullying didn’t stop there, it continued into the 4^th grade. I never talked and would just stare at people because I was afraid that anything that came out my mouth would be labeled as stupid.  This is still a fear I have today which is why I joke a lot and act goofy more than serious but we will get to that in another blog post. 

MIDDLE SCHOOL

Middle school was alright, I mean EVERYONE looked like cabbage patch dolls with big heads that didn’t fit their bodies so the bullying wasn’t as bad.  I mean there were a few "mean girls" but that comes with the territory. I was very self-conscious as a middle schooler.  I barely wore shorts, wore shirts that went past my knees and wore not one but 2 jackets on top of each other daily no matter what the season.  According to my mom, I went through the longest tomboy phase in history.  My mom hated it lol. She would buy me the cutest dresses, name brand shoes and clothes and I would go to Walmart to the Boy section and buy a whole outfit with sneakers for $32.67 including tax.

HIGH SCHOOL

Once I got to high school I tried to dress “like a girl.” Whew CHILE!!! I felt so stuffed in my clothes but I hung in there until I went to college. Once I went to college I turned back into looking like a homeless person again but I digress. In high school I started getting stares and unwanted mean comments from girls again.  WHAT AM I DOING TO THESE PEOPLE?!! ALL I DO IS GO TO SCHOOL, MIND MY BUSINESS AND SELL MY POP TARTS FOR $1.  Now my self-esteem was already low from 3^rd grade so it just got lower and people could tell I wasn’t mentally all the way there in high school.  In the 9th grade I sat outside everyday for lunch no matter if a monsoon was scheduled to come through.  My social anxiety had me so paralyzed that I could not even go into the cafeteria to get my lunch and eat.  So everyday I would pretty much sit outside and eat an iced honey bun (I still love those...TILL THIS DAY!)  Each year I slowly but surely inched myself closer to the cafeteria. By the time I was in the 12th grade I had started eating in the cafeteria but I made sure I kept my head down most of the time while getting my lunch. It started becoming a running joke amongst people on how "depressed" I was. I even did my senior project on depression but wasn’t fully aware I was actually exhibiting symptoms of this. It wasn’t until I went to college in 2005 that my symptoms started to really manifest and I felt trapped and wanted to escape my reality. I became suicidal with a plan and the pills…it was time to end it all. 

Thanks for reading my first blog post!  I just wanted to start by giving a little back story on when I started noticing depressive and anxiety symptoms.  This is a journey I knew I needed to embark on and just did not feel comfortable telling my story until now.  Did you notice at a young age that you were experiencing symptoms but not quite understanding why you felt different? Feel free to leave a comment about what you noticed at a young age that may have been labeled as "different."  I want everyone to feel welcomed and comfortable with commenting and leaving their own experiences without fear of judgement. 

Please continue to follow my blog on Thursdays so I can continue telling you about my ongoing journey through these very common diagnoses and how I have tried to combat these symptoms.  Also, I would also like to feature anyone who would like to share their stories (it can be anonymous). If you are interested, please feel free to contact me. 

The Broken Therapist 💞💗