I’m just tired...that’s it

This one is kind of long so get comfortable. 3...2...1...ACTION! AHT 👏 AHT 👏 NO TURNING BACK NOW. YOU HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE THING!

Ok so BOOM... literally WTH HAPPENED? It’s like one minute we are getting ready for the best year ever then we are social distancing, wearing masks and side eyeing anyone who coughs. I’m looking at you grandma 😒

I have been gone for a hot minute but I’m back...here is what has happened since I have been gone. I have been going through so many emotions but I have been trying to hold it together. Am I doing a good job...most days but I can’t be hard on myself. We are in a pandemic and dammit I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. So chill chill dollar bill. This pandemic has been a cause of anxiety for all of us, so let’s get through this together.

SAY WHAT NOW?!

So check it...I lost my job of 4 years back in July 2019 due to an abrupt lay-off. Did I see it coming? Yes. Did I think it would come so abruptly...no. There was no warning or anything. I get a phone call around noon saying I have been laid-off and that was my last day effective immediately. And I liked that job too but I was too comfortable and I wasn’t growing professionally. I have been out of work for almost a year and it has taken its toll on me. I mean I had little side jobs here and there during my unemployment but nothing consistent. During this time, as the months of unemployment kept rolling by...

I felt:

Unworthy

Incompetent

Worthless

Confused

Misunderstood

Unwanted

Frustrated

Not good enough

Incapable

And most importantly...Alone

And that was the birth of this blog...to occupy my time, feel like I accomplished something and to express my feelings the way I couldn’t verbally express them. Anyway, in the past couple of months, I started working retail again and it was a big adjustment because I worked 65 hours a week and was only making half of my original paycheck that I made working 40 hours sitting at a desk all day...chillin' like a villain. Now, I have 2 labor intensive retail jobs and I am back in school. I work 1st, 2nd and 3rd shift and go to class and I do homework with little sleep in between. But I was thankful I had a job because many people didn’t especially during this pandemic.

LESSON LEARNED

Here is where a lesson came in for me. I use to work retail for many years before I received my Masters degree but after I felt a type of arrogance that I was above some people (not all) who worked hourly meaningless jobs. Well after being confused and broke down from being unemployed for almost a year it knocked me down a few notches. Now when I first started working these jobs I still felt a bit of “aboveness” but I started realizing there were some really good people who worked at these jobs. Good, wholesome, everyday, awesome people. Here is what bothered me the most though. I felt some of the customers and other employees talked to employees as though they were incompetent. Most of these people who were no better than the next person, felt entitled to talk slightly reckless and out of the side of their necks to them. Here I am with Masters degree and being a licensed therapist observing how belittling this talk can be to the employees. The gag is NO ONE knew my background. In order for me to not be "over qualified" for these retail jobs, I took my education and therapist license off of my resume. So with that being said I was talked to out the side of the neck as well. I see now why people feel “stuck “ in these jobs and feel they never can get out. They feel they have to put a lot of wear and tear on their bodies for low pay to pay the bills and take care of their families. Now don’t get me wrong some people love that kind of work but some of the employees have shared their personal lives with me and this job ain’t it bruh. It doesn’t align with the plans they had for themselves. A lot of them started college but couldn’t finish because of the demands of the job. They had goals and dreams and felt that was taken away from them. They felt worthless and felt working these jobs was the end all be all. 

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS

I almost gave up myself at that point and I had the means to do better for myself. I say all that to say, I feel like our words are powerful and even though you may feel you are better than someone you aren’t. Let’s not tear each other down. Uplift...you were once where they were or could easily be there one day with one phone call at noon. Since working in retail again and speaking to young adults 10 years younger than me, I started working harder for my dreams because I would be a hypocrite if I told them to follow their dreams and I didn’t do the same for myself. Am I still confused daily of what I’m supposed to be giving back to the universe... I would be lying if I didn't say yes but I will keep trying regardless of who or what tries to hold me back. It’s going to be hard but I have confidence in myself I can achieve great things and so can you.

That leads me into being BLACK and TIRED. This is a heavy topic right now so I completely understand if you would like to leave the blog at this moment because this makes you uncomfortable. Like Bobby Brown says it’s your prerogative. I’ll wait for you to leave if need be. Close the door behind you and DON'T LET ALLMYGOOD AIROUT!

STORY TIME!!

We are back. Let me start with this story that happened to me in the 5th grade in the mid-late 90s. I was in class minding my lil ol business taking a test. A white male classmate who was sitting beside me started cheating off my paper and I noticed. I slid my paper over further from him and covered it with my arm. He proceeded to SNATCH my paper off my desk to copy my answers. Right, he was BOLD BOLD. When I went to snatch my paper back my white female teacher saw me and called me out for disrupting class. I was pulled out of class in front of 25 kids. I was embarrassed because I was a shy and socially awkward kid who never bothered anyone and never got into trouble. When I was pulled outside the classroom by the teacher my anxiety was at an all time high. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I received detention and couldn’t enjoy the monthly social. I told my mama and best believe she was down to the “school house” as they say the next morning. One thing you don’t mess with is someone’s child and their lunch hour. Even though my mama fought hard for me and the injustice I received (that I didn’t quite understand at the time), I still received detention because the teacher already had her mind made up and didn’t want to admit she was wrong. As for the white boy who tried to cheat off my test...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happened to him. He wasn’t even given a strong talking to or pulled out of the class.

UNPOPULAR OPINION

I never thought about how much that story affected me until now. It hurt reliving that story and I started crying while telling it. Immediately after that incident in the 5th grade, I HATED being a little black girl and wanted to be a white boy. Yes I’m a tomboy at heart but a lot of my dressing “like a boy” came from being insecure with being a black female. I could dress in looser clothing but I couldn’t change the color of my skin and I hated that. It’s so sad at how I was exposed to that at such a young age. My mom tried to incorporate me into activities that were filled with predominantly white people and we lived in the suburbs. Majority of the time I was the only black kid but I don’t think she thought her little girl would be subjected to such racism at a young age. As a kid I was naive and a lot of times had to be explained that someone was being racist towards me. It really hit hard when I realized being discriminated against was more prevalent than I thought. I have been labeled as the “Angry Black Woman” if I have an opinion at work or just in general. I have been petted like a dog when I have my Afro out. I have been skipped in lines at grocery stores and bumped into like I was invisible. I have been talked to like I was the scum of the earth. Someone (a white man) actually was SHOCKED the other day when I told him I went to college and actually graduated 😑.

I'M NOT ANGRY, I'M JUST TIRED

BUUUUUTTTTT...I love the skin I’m in now guys so don’t worry but I am just TIRED. I never felt “normal” because of my depression and anxiety but there are medications and treatments for that and no one even has to know about those because they are invisible. But you know what I can’t change regardless of how many medications and treatment I receive...being black and sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow. Would I change being black for the world? HECK NO! But to be transparent I thought about it. Unpopular opinion I know but it is how I felt sometimes. I say all of this to say being discriminated against in the country you were born into can mess with your mental health. A lot of black people don’t get the treatment we need because we do not fully believe in therapy or some were not fortunate enough to be able to afford therapy or were not provided the means. We just “deal” with our pain and our thoughts because we dare not appear weak to anyone. We aren’t angry people we are just tired. So before you judge ask someone how they are doing instead of assuming they have an attitude or are angry. I AM TIRED. YOUR BLACK FRIEND IS TIRED. YOUR BLACK COWORKER IS TIRED. YOUR BLACK NEIGHBOR IS TIRED. WE ARE TIRED.

I’m sorry this one was long and more serious and heavy but I think sometimes we need a break from the jokes to talk about some of the heavy topics. WAIT A MINUTE...record scratch...what am I apologizing for...girl if you don’t get your life and stop worrying about what anyone thinks on YOUR blog. Whew, I almost lost myself there. Anywho, I will leave you with this quote I read from somewhere or was it I heard it from somebody...hell I don’t know where I got it from anymore...Just read the dang quote it goes with today’s topic.

"Apologies without changed behavior is just manipulation."

Think about that. Reflect on that and see how it relates to what’s going on.

GOOD NEWS

Oh yeah and if you made it this far, as a prize I want to mention...IT'S MY 33RD BIRTHDAY!!! Today is significant because it is Thursday, I release my blogs on Thursdays annnnnnnndddddd I was actually born on a Thursday. Look at the way that lined up! SOMEBODY PLAY THOSE NUMBERS! 

How are y’all holding up in this pandemic? It ok to say you aren’t ok. Have you felt a loss of a job or working from home has taken a toll on your mental health? Have you felt being discriminated against has taken a toll on your mental health? This is an open discussion for anyone of any ethnicity, so please feel free to chime in about your experiences good or bad. It could be something you witnessed that made you think a little bit. We need to support one another. Please be respectful in the comments. I got time TAHDAY because we are in quarantine...where am I going to go?! Join me on Thursdays as I continue to talk about the hard topics we love to avoid.

The Broken Therapist 💗💞

She Speaks!!! Social Anxiety ACTIVATE

As much as I talk now you would never think I was so quiet and timid when I was younger.  Have you ever gotten tired of hearing your own self talk? Well I have.  I guess I had all those years of built up words I never used and conversations I never had when I was younger, that I just overtalk...sometimes.  If you know me well, you know when I get on a roll, I don't ever shut up and if I do...BE WORRIED.

SHE SPEAKS!! (Gasp)

My social anxiety was at an all time high in my younger days.  I struggled with making friends because of it.  Many people don't want to be friends with a kid who just stares back at you when you are talking and never responds. One time a kid in my elementary class yelled out "she speaks" after I said one word after not saying much up until about the 5th grade 😑 I am going to be honest it wasn't until a few years ago that I stopped doing that. Why yes, I was a grown ass adult staring at people blankly. I'm still shy at times now, especially when I first meet someone. Also, still to this day, I struggle with making eye contact with people when I am talking about something serious.  It's hard for me to have a fully serious conversation with someone unless I am really close to them or I trust them with the conversation. I'm not someone who just goes "running off with the mouth" (as my grandma would say) with just anyone and telling all my little business. We all know someone like that, am I right? No?...Is this thing on? Ok moving on lol 😂

So you want to know what helped me with my social anxiety...BINGO...becoming a therapist. I knew I was good at listening but realized quickly I had to talk to my clients. HOLD UP, WHAT DID I JUST SIGN UP FOR? SIS, IT'S TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW! 

THE JOKING THERAPIST

Once I started working with my clients I knew I had to make up for my lack of communication skills so I would "joke" a lot in my sessions to make them feel comfortable and honestly to make myself more comfortable.  So it was born, the "Joking Therapist."  I found a way to keep my clients interested even when they did not want therapy. I found my niche and I actually found it quite fulfilling at times. I started using this tactic in my everyday life.  If you have ever had a conversation with me you know at least one sarcastic joke is going to come out every 5 minutes. I made people laugh and I enjoyed it. I actually started making friends because of this. "They like me they really like me!"  Now, my humor can throw people for a loop sometimes because they don't know if I am serious or not because I don't smile when I say my sarcastic comments (it adds a little mystery to the conversation). Although, once you get to know me you understand not to take it or me so seriously, 95% of the time I'm joking.

I JUST WANT A REGULAR BLACK COFFEE

I never said I was cured of social anxiety so sometimes it rears its ugly head in the most random places. I struggle with ordering food from select restaurants or ordering coffee at Starbucks. If I don't quite understand a menu I will avoid that establishment. It's so bad that I rather order off the app while inside of Starbucks instead of going to the counter to order. Let's not act like that Starbucks' drink menu isn't a little difficult...how is a cup considered a Tall, it's only like 2 oz, that's short to me! STOP MISLABELING CUP SIZES STARBUCKS!! WHEW, RANT OVER.  There was this one time a friend and I went to Starbucks inside of the airport. I started holding the line up because I just didn't understand how to order regular black coffee with a hint of sweetness. You already know how Starbucks customers are about their coffee... After standing there for a while and receiving a boat load of stares that felt like daggers in the back of my head from customers and the staff, my friend ordered for me. The barista didn't even ask me my name because she was so frustrated with me! When I got on the plane I looked at my cup and instead of my name it said my friend's name with the word "friend" beside it. LISTEN...SHE WAS FED UP WITH MY FOOLISHNESS! I couldn't do anything but laugh.

MASK OFF

Over the years, joking has got me through a lot of difficult times, mood swings, depression and fear. I started to develop this as a coping skill instead of getting upset over EVERYTHING and triggering my symptoms. From the day I met my husband he has always been very quick on his feet and witty.  I had to keep up with him in the joke department. We legit have had unofficial quick fire rounds of who could come up with the next witty thing to say. It's a competition in this household and our future kids better be prepared straight out the womb because it on and poppin'. 

BUUUUTTTT here is the downside about all of this joking, I never addressed my real feelings. I often feel like people don't want to hear your sad sorrows, they want you to make them happy and laugh. Many times I have felt my absolute worst and had to put on a "front" to make others comfortable.  There were so many days I wanted to tell people that I wasn't feeling good and I wanted to be in my feelings but people started to expect me to be their personal entertainer, DAILY. I am not on anyone's payroll as an entertainer and for once can someone make me laugh and feel better?! Of course the type of person I grew to be, I am a people pleaser/overachiever (yes shocker) but because of this I would have to push through my real emotions and "entertain and put on a show." When things are expected of you, people don't quite understand you may have an off day. I have had people come up to me and tell me because of my personality I have made them feel much better. If I have been that for you, I am honored, and for that reason I push through. Sometimes faking happiness helps put me in a better mood but goodness it is so EXHAUSTING. So there are upsides and downsides of this kind of personality but I am still working out the kinks.  In the last post, I talked about communicating my feelings and not assuming everyone understands what you are going through. Since I joke around a lot, people are confused when I tell them what's really going on. Honestly many people do not even know I am diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety because I don't "look and act" like it but behind closed doors I may be mentally crumbling inside.

Mental illness comes in different shapes and sizes, looks different on everyone and no one is exempt. I won't change my personality but I will be more mindful of my actual feelings and most importantly make certain I am pushing through for myself and not overdoing it for everyone else's entertainment.  It's okay to let people know you are having an off day. You never know maybe you can finally sit back and become an audience member of someone else's show.

Have you ever had to mask your feelings with happiness?  If so, do you think it helps increase your mood or do you become physically and mentally exhausted? What are some ways you have tried to cover up your actual feelings? Have you had to be strong for other people while you were not at your best? Are YOU the strong friend that needs to be checked on? Join me on Thursdays as I continue to talk about the hard topics we love to avoid.

The Broken Therapist 💗💞

Support...Do your friends and family lack it or are they down right confused?

Have you ever felt unlovable?

Whew Chile!! With all these mood swings I know I am a hard one to love.  I get on my own nerves... daily.  I don't know what I'm going to get when I wake up or for that matter in the next 5 minutes. Sometimes when I'm in good mood it's kinda scary.  I'm like "how long is this going to last and will it PLEASE last for the rest of my life?" I constantly see myself wishing for support from others but then also being silent when I need support the most.  I just don't want to tap dance on anyone's last nerve. My problem is I wait until the last final moment when I'm about to have a breakdown to ask people to understand why I'm insanely crying, screaming and destroying stuff. I can only imagine the confusion of my friends and family.

EMOTIONAL STORM

Since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I have learned patience because I want people to have that with me. It's an emotional roller coaster NO ONE asked to be on. I'm constantly yelling "GET ME OFF OF THIS RIDE, I WILL CALL MY LAWYER!!" There have been times when I have completely lost track of my emotions and confused myself. Like SIS what are you feeling right now and how the hell does it even relate to this situation. My emotions sometimes don't match the situation/atmosphere I am in.  I could be laughing when everyone is angry and crying when everyone is laughing. PULL IT TOGETHER MA'AM!

As I sit in Starbucks typing this my mood instantly flipped to irritated and somewhat defeated...ugh but right when it did the song that goes "ooh child things are gonna get easier, ooh child things will get brighter" comes on.  And now I have a faint grin...Perfect timing Starbucks playlist...well played!!  I know the weather lately has a lot to do with my mood swings aka the "winter blues."  In this past week the weather has been RIDICULOUS. I mean we have had a blizzard, heat wave, tornado, hurricane, tsunami, flash flood and a monsoon in just 7 days!  Whew I'm tired emotionally.  I guess the weather is like my emotions, unpredictable.

GOT SUPPORT?

So what have I tried to do to get more support from family and friends? First things first, I CHECKED my own self. Yes, that's right I check myself and make sure my attitude is not out of whack.  Now this is easier said than done, and I still slip up, but if you check your attitude at the door it makes it so much easier to communicate your needs to your love ones.  I can't support a person who I don't know where they are coming from because all I see is a wall of attitude in front of their real feelings.  Emotions come in different shapes and forms so it is easy to get confused.  For example, when I first went to college I went to a haunted theme park.  Well when the dude with the chainsaw started chasing me I lost it and I mean LOST IT!! I cussed out everyone who was in earshot.  I wanted to go home and demanded to leave right at that moment. So on the outside looking in, it looked like I was angry but my real emotion was...that's right FEAR. Now do you see how our love ones can get confused so easily?

IT'S A CYCLE

I use to explain to my clients all the time that thoughts lead to emotions, emotions lead to actions, actions lead to behaviors which will eventually become habits if you keep doing the same cycle.  Now this may be a good thing for positive habits but that's not what we are talking about here. Picture it, if I keep thinking "no one will ever understand me", I will develop negative habits. You know what those habits are? Poor communication (shutting down), anger, feeling helpless, feeling misunderstood, etc. Now to our friends and family think we are "moody or have a bad attitude" but in actuality it is FEAR of no one understanding us and our many moods.  I can't expect anyone to automatically know how I feel, which is why communication is important on my part. I know that's not what you want to hear because we typically play the victim here and blame everyone else for not "fixing" us. Nah, you are the only one who can do that...WE have to break our own negative cycle but some people want to stay "broken" because they get more attention that way 👀. Trust me PEOPLE WILL GET TIRED OF YOUR ISH!! I may call myself "The Broken Therapist" but I never intend to stay that way every day of my life.  I just have "broken" moments and that's all I'm claiming.  I may have ruffled a few feathers on that one. Oh well! Just being transparent and sharing my experiences that I have witnessed as a therapist and as a person diagnosed with mental health disorders. SOOO I SAY WHAT I WANT! lol.

BUUUUTT If you feel like you have communicated your feelings well and they STILL don't support you...THROW 👏 THEM 👏 ALL 👏 AWAY 👏 TODAY 👏 BECAUSE TRASH DAY IS TOMORROW  😂 AFTER THAT FIND A BETTER SUPPORT SYSTEM. YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT 💓

BE STILL

Seriously though, sometimes I have to sit completely still with no distractions to figure out what my mood is at that moment and a lot of times I have to remove myself from situations or areas that I feel could be contributing to my mood. I am an "energy feeler/empath" aka a hypersensitive person so if it doesn't feel right...I leave. I'm not saying you will understand your mood EVERY time but at least try, don't write it off as "I'm just antisocial." Honestly it starts with you, no one can help you if you can't help yourself. Stop looking for an "out" because I'm sorry to say there isn't particularly one but there are a few detours that can get you to where you want to be eventually and for me that's stability.

Do your love ones support you? Do they get confused when your moods switch? Are you a communicator or do you shut down? How have you tried to communicate your feelings to your friends and family so they will understand you? Join me on Thursdays as I continue to talk about the hard topics we love to avoid. Thanks for reading!

The Broken Therapist 💞💗

I'm fine...SAVE ME! The Backstory of The Broken Therapist, Part 2

Have you ever said you were fine but really wasn't?

OF COURSE YOU HAVE!! DUH SIS! 😑

I thought going away to college was going to be my ticket out of these weird ass feelings I was having in high school. I thought maybe because I was from this small town I was being held back from being the social butterfly I dreamed to be. HAHA, I was wrong as hell...WHEW!!! Real talk, I went to college to escape not to get an education.  I hated school, from the first day of Kindergarten. I thought it was for the birds. But that's not the point of this so MOVING ON. 

COLLEGE

When I arrived at college I knew this was an opportunity to start over again, have a new identity, not many people knew me. "Ok girl, you are going to be the cool kid this time around." ANOTHER JOKE. I made quite a few friends. Everything was going as planned, until one day the initial euphoria of being in a new place wore off. I started feeling "down" again. I HATED getting phone calls from home, slept a lot and just sat in the dark in my dorm room eating chips. I gained the infamous "Freshman 15" but apparently I gained someone else's too because I gained 30 pounds in a semester! I was busting at the seams in my arms...like literal stretch marks EVERYWHERE. I had been pretty athletic due to dance growing up so it was weird to gain so much weight so fast. I was asked if I was pregnant...pregnant where?! Nah bruh that's patty melts, french fries, fried chicken, mash potatoes, sweet tea, cookout and chips before AND after dinner. Self esteem was now at a -10,000.

Not only did I rapidly gain weight but my sadness started to take over my school work as well.  I was a biology major and I FAILED A WHOLE ENTIRE CLASS.  I have never failed a class in my life.  I mean I hated school but I was pretty good at it. One day I just stopped going to class.  This is when I started realizing it was hard for me to wake up each day to even try to be great. I stopped caring and I didn't have the support I needed. I think a lot of people thought I was overreacting. I wanted someone to love me and accept me for all of my flaws so I pretty much allowed anyone who paid me attention to come into my space even if it wasn't genuine. My relationships with people became less genuine and at one point I can say I had no feelings. I was using people like they were using me.  I kinda became somewhat mean to mask my true emotions.  In actuality, I was lonely as heck but I couldn't let the outside world know that.

THE SOLUTION

One day while eating lunch on campus, I saw a pamphlet on the table that was an advertisement for counseling services at the school.  It provided a website to take a quiz to see if you needed counseling. When I got back to my dorm room, I went online and took this "quiz" and at the end it told me to seek help immediately because I was showing signs of suicidal thoughts.  Well I never really thought I was suicidal, I thought the big adjustment to being away from home was the real reason I didn't want to exist anymore. Well I could just try it, my mom has been trying to get me to go to therapy since I was 15 but we never followed through with that. 

I made an appointment.  I was so nervous, I didn't want anyone to see me go to my session on campus.  These people are going to think I'm crazy.  I was ducking and dodging everyone on the way there. When I got there I filled out a long questionnaire, it was long like those daggon CVS receipts. By the time I was done I was dead set on this "therapy foolishness" isn't going to work.  I might as well leave.  Right before I get up, the therapist comes to get me. DAMNIT!! 

Therapy was somewhat helpful, it was someone who I could talk to who didn't know anything about me.  Good, I could lie to this woman and she not know the difference. I'M A GENIUS! I was pretty embarrassed about my symptoms and behaviors so this was the best way to keep her from judging me. Bad idea because it didn't work, she saw right through me. She diagnosed me with Depression and writes me a prescription for Prozac.  If you know anything about Prozac it increases suicidal thoughts in teens. FYI I'm a teen and I have been having suicidal thoughts, lady!! So you know where this is going.

MY FINAL DAYS (Well at least I thought)  

I remember it was after Christmas break, I had just returned back from my hometown.  Being home stirred up a lot of old emotions on top of the new ones I had.  I became overwhelmed and wanted to find an out.  I had a bunch of pills and had planned on the exact day I was going to take my life. I wasn't going to tell anyone. No suicide note, nothing.  Someone would just find me in my dorm room and it would be peaceful. No one wanted me around anyway. I tried to act normal around everyone so I wouldn't tip them off, until one day a good friend of mine knew something was off about me. I had planned on taking the pills the next day. He started asking questions and I immediately burst into tears and told him I wanted to die and I was planning on taking pills.  He took the pills from me and flushed them down the toilet with me sobbing uncontrollably standing beside him.  After that day I stopped taking Prozac and never went back to the therapist.  Now I'm not saying medicine and therapy doesn't work but it wasn't the right time for me to experience those at the same time. I most recently started trying to find alternative natural ways to deal with my depression.  Also, you have to be ready to receive therapy and at that time I wasn't. Sometimes a therapist may not be a good fit for you so it's quite alright to "therapist shop". I am forever grateful my friend was there to save me.  Can y'all imagine life without me, the world may have stop spinning lol. Oh, on a final note I immediately switched my major to Psychology because I felt I needed to help others while also helping myself. 

Were you ever embarrassed to say how you truly felt? Have you ever tried therapy or ever thought about trying therapy?  Did it work for you or did you think you weren't ready? What are/were your fears about therapy? 

Join me on Thursdays as I continue to talk about the hard topics we love to avoid.

The Broken Therapist 💞💗

WHO CRIES AT THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH...ME BRUH! The Backstory of The Broken Therapist

WELL WELL WELL….you made it!! Welcome to my blog, wipe your feet and take a load off.  I will be sharing stories on my struggles with my diagnosis of the good ol’ depression and anxiety. I also want to include some methods I have used to keep symptoms at bay. Most in which I have failed at but dangit I’m going to share them anyway (they just might work for you). Hmm…where do I start? Hell I will just start.

I noticed from a young age I was having some struggles with extreme sadness.  I was the saddest moodiest child I have ever known. I cried about everything and I mean EVERYTHING.  I cried when I went to Disney. Who cries at the happiest place on earth??!!! ME BRUH! But let me be honest, those costumed characters were a little scary, let's argue.  No seriously who was inside of those things.  If I can't see your eyes, I can't trust you.  I was well beyond my years. Anywho…My family would always joke about how afraid I was of everything and how moody I could be.  Eventually I got used to the jokes but deep down inside I knew something wasn’t ticking right. You see I am the only child so I really didn’t grow up around kids, only older adults (mostly my grandma). My mom sheltered me a lot because she didn’t trust that anyone would comb my hair correctly...excuse me MA'AM?!  I mean she did put me in dance classes from the ages of 3-17 so I would be social, so she tried.

I never knew how to express myself because to be quite honest feelings weren’t discussed in my family. FEELINGS?! WHAT ARE THOSEEEEE!!!  I wasn’t hugged a lot or told I was loved often growing up; I mean I was by my grandma but my parents were not affectionate people. This is definitely not any shade towards my parents but let’s be honest they were stone cold with their emotions. I love them to death and know they loved me but they just didn’t know how to express their own feelings (you teach what you know). They are much better now in my adult age since I brought it to their attention but I will discuss that at a later date.

It was becoming a cycle. When I would cry I was told to “suck it up" and that I was "sensitive." So any time I would cry it wasn’t always because I was sad or hurt. I cried mostly because I was afraid to express my feelings or say what I really wanted to without making others mad (I have a sharp tongue).  When I would cry, I would become even more angry because I was so damn mad at myself for crying which made me cry even more…ugh life at 6 was sooooo hard. Through the years I would try to combat my own fears and "suck it up" but I was making matters worse. 

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

I was bullied in the 3^rd grade and that sat with me for a while.  Heck to this day I think it still affects me deep down. I mean I wasn’t physically assaulted but verbally. I was the new kid because my mom changed my school right when I was getting comfortable at my old school.  I was already a socially awkward kid who played board games by herself and had imaginary friends so this was going to be a social disaster. SMH. I hid in the bathroom for what felt like the majority of the 3^rd grade but the bullying didn’t stop there, it continued into the 4^th grade. I never talked and would just stare at people because I was afraid that anything that came out my mouth would be labeled as stupid.  This is still a fear I have today which is why I joke a lot and act goofy more than serious but we will get to that in another blog post. 

MIDDLE SCHOOL

Middle school was alright, I mean EVERYONE looked like cabbage patch dolls with big heads that didn’t fit their bodies so the bullying wasn’t as bad.  I mean there were a few "mean girls" but that comes with the territory. I was very self-conscious as a middle schooler.  I barely wore shorts, wore shirts that went past my knees and wore not one but 2 jackets on top of each other daily no matter what the season.  According to my mom, I went through the longest tomboy phase in history.  My mom hated it lol. She would buy me the cutest dresses, name brand shoes and clothes and I would go to Walmart to the Boy section and buy a whole outfit with sneakers for $32.67 including tax.

HIGH SCHOOL

Once I got to high school I tried to dress “like a girl.” Whew CHILE!!! I felt so stuffed in my clothes but I hung in there until I went to college. Once I went to college I turned back into looking like a homeless person again but I digress. In high school I started getting stares and unwanted mean comments from girls again.  WHAT AM I DOING TO THESE PEOPLE?!! ALL I DO IS GO TO SCHOOL, MIND MY BUSINESS AND SELL MY POP TARTS FOR $1.  Now my self-esteem was already low from 3^rd grade so it just got lower and people could tell I wasn’t mentally all the way there in high school.  In the 9th grade I sat outside everyday for lunch no matter if a monsoon was scheduled to come through.  My social anxiety had me so paralyzed that I could not even go into the cafeteria to get my lunch and eat.  So everyday I would pretty much sit outside and eat an iced honey bun (I still love those...TILL THIS DAY!)  Each year I slowly but surely inched myself closer to the cafeteria. By the time I was in the 12th grade I had started eating in the cafeteria but I made sure I kept my head down most of the time while getting my lunch. It started becoming a running joke amongst people on how "depressed" I was. I even did my senior project on depression but wasn’t fully aware I was actually exhibiting symptoms of this. It wasn’t until I went to college in 2005 that my symptoms started to really manifest and I felt trapped and wanted to escape my reality. I became suicidal with a plan and the pills…it was time to end it all. 

Thanks for reading my first blog post!  I just wanted to start by giving a little back story on when I started noticing depressive and anxiety symptoms.  This is a journey I knew I needed to embark on and just did not feel comfortable telling my story until now.  Did you notice at a young age that you were experiencing symptoms but not quite understanding why you felt different? Feel free to leave a comment about what you noticed at a young age that may have been labeled as "different."  I want everyone to feel welcomed and comfortable with commenting and leaving their own experiences without fear of judgement. 

Please continue to follow my blog on Thursdays so I can continue telling you about my ongoing journey through these very common diagnoses and how I have tried to combat these symptoms.  Also, I would also like to feature anyone who would like to share their stories (it can be anonymous). If you are interested, please feel free to contact me. 

The Broken Therapist 💞💗